The Hole In my Soul.


After I attended church with my sister that Sunday morning, I had a strong sense that my life was about to change. And when I went to my first A.A. meeting i knew right then and there something big was going to happen. I attended my first meeting in December of 2004 just before Christmas. I really cannot recall much from that experience, just the feeling that i was home. For the first time in my life i had found people who understood me, and better yet, were willing to help me. That in itself was unusual because the only thing anyone ever wanted to do was throw my out. So for people to welcome me in was different.

I came home from meeting recharged, on fire, and for the first  time in my life accepted. Unfortunately it didn’t last to long because i didn’t return for another month or so. I realize now, that at that time, coming home from that meeting, I knew it all, and wasnt ready for the help they had to offer. Christmas came as did New Years and all was well. I hadn’t drunk, nor did i want to, but something was missing. I still had a hole in my soul the size of the San Andres and couldn’t figure out why.

Mom kept insisting that I go to meetings but I kept putting it off and putting it off. After New Years i had to visit that sweet woman called “probation officer” I had a good feeling going to see her because i had been sober since our last meeting and that was good enough right? Well as I soon learned theirs more to being sober than just being sober and that woman let me have it! She almost had me thrown back into jail because I wasn’t doing anything. I told her that I went to an AA meeting and her reply; “If you want to get good at your life, you have to keep on doing the things that are  good.” In essence, i had to get to some meetings.

There was one thing that I did remember from that meeting that kept me from going back. One of the guys made a statement that really shook me up: “Sit Down, Shut Up, Because you don’t know anything”. Now for someone who was full of pride and self-will, that was hard to hear. But I knew I had to go back. The hole in my soul was growing ever so bigger and I didn’t like it one bit! I had an awful ache in the bottom of my gut and a black cloud hanging over me. “If this was sobriety, I didn’t want nothing to do with it”, I thought to myself . So my mother beat it into my head that I needed help and their was only one place to go. The next day I went back to that very place that I was scared of. For if I didn’t, that hole in my soul was going to consume me like a fire.

 I shuffled in the door and made my way to a seat. One of the guys that was there at my first meeting was there and he recognized me. “Hi Scott, glad you came back”. “Glad I came back?” Really? No one had ever told me they were glad that I was back! Ever! I knew their had to be a catch and I sat their during that first meeting trying to figure out what they wanted from me. Because nothing is free right?

My whole purpose of this blog is to bring hope. Hope to a dying generation that’s only focused on the outside of man rather the inside. The inside of man, the heart, is where we come alive. And the only way to do this is by the unmistakable word of the living God. When Christ comes into our heart He sets us on fire and gives us a burning passion to live for him. So let me ask you my friend,

WHAT IS YOUR PASSION TODAY?

So, i had found a place were there were other “Scotts”. Other people who just like me, wanted something better than just bad booze and a hangover. Please come back next time and find out who fills my soul. Thanks for reading! Be Blessed!

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.-Psalm 103:1

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One thought on “The Hole In my Soul.

  1. Wow Scott you brought back memories of my G.A groups but sadly for me I found they were more focused on the flesh , they had the 12 steps but as you may know a man called Bill changed their focus from Jesus to a Higher power or god as you know him, meaning anybody or anything , so the steps became Secular to many but not all as some still focus on Jesus as their Higher power as you do.

    In my group we had a man who worship a old Oke tree he said it kept him strong, a woman praised daily the Kangroo, she told me she was not going to share her god with anyone it’s hard to believe but she was jelous of Jesus.

    I Love your sharing Scott, you are so honest, so real, no masks.

    Christian Love Anne .

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