If theirs one thing I have learned since I became a Christian and started living for Christ and not the world is all the feelings and emotions I tried to cover by self-induced alcohol comas, well there still there and as real as ever. They say in AA “The good news is you get your feelings back, and the bad news is you get your feelings back” And did they ever come rushing back that first summer I was sober! After years of emotionless relationships and sex, and pointless conversations in the local taverns, I had to start dealing with feelings that I thought I had eluded.
The spring of 05′ my sponsor offered me a job doing landscaping and mowing lawns. We worked hard (at least tried to!) and went to many meetings and Church functions and bible studies and endless fun. Then, she came along. I had met a girl in AA that left me breathless and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. We started talking and before you knew it we were inseparable. We did everything together form drinking coffee and conversation to movies and walks and holding hands. I had fallen in love and everything was right with the world.( So I thought )
Now there’s an unwritten rule in AA of not getting into a relationship for at least the first year of sobriety. For one, that’s the last thing anyone trying to stay sober and to learn a new life needs! Now I had learned allot in the little time I was sober but one thing I still had a hard time with was listening to the wise. We dove into this relationship like two practicing drunks not thinking about the consequences. For two months or so it was complete bliss and ignorance as well cause I had a funny feeling that it wouldn’t last.
This was the first time I had been in a relationship sober and I loved it and all I wanted was to hold her and love her. She said things to me that no woman before ever did and I loved it. I was warned but didn’t listen and as fast as the ball drops in New York City on New Years Eve I heard the words that crushed my heart and deepened an underlying affliction of loneliness that I tried to avoid for years; “Scott, I love you, but I want to break up.” My ears didn’t want to hear what she was saying but my heart heard every word that came from her mouth and I was speechless. The past two and a half months was of everlasting bliss and I didn’t want to hear those words, especially not from her. I was wounded yet again and the thought crossed my mind “If this is sobriety, I don’t want anything to do with it, at least when I was drinking I didn’t have to feel this pain.” But that thought was soon gone and the feeling of alone-ness set in. I really didn’t know which was worse.
She dropped me off and I hit my knees asking God for the strength and understanding of what was going on and what did I do wrong. For when I felt she was the “One” only to find out later she wanted nothing more than a summer fling. I was hurt, confused, and lost and God who I had just came to know a few short months ago, seemed distant. I couldn’t drink if I wanted to because I did have some sense and I knew that a drink would only cover up what was really going on. (Don’t worry I’m still sober to this day, I didn’t take a drink, as bad as I wanted to, But I knew God wasn’t finished yet.)
If there’s something I can pass on through my story is that everything happens for a reason. Even when God seems distant, He’s still there and waiting, were the one’s that moved. Human beings have a great knack for being very successful, unfortunately we also have a great knack for bring the whole thing down. Thats why a relationship with Christ is so very important, so when things come crumbling down, he’s there to comfort us and strengthen us. Are things crumbling in your world today? Will you let Christ rebuild life for you?
So, as I learned, feelings and emotions flat-out sucked! However, God has a way of breaking us to deal with the underlying thing that needs to be dealt with, and boy was He dealing with me. Check back next time to hear about my visit to the cemetery to say a few words to someone who I was trying to avoid. Thanks for reading!! Be Blessed!!!!!
“Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long”-Psalm 25:5
- Every day is the beginning… (recoverycontent.wordpress.com)
- My Gift to You. Will You Open It This Christmas? (tkfertig.wordpress.com)
- Here comes 2012: Staying sober through the holidays! (recoverycontent.wordpress.com)
- Bliss Poem (metaphyzgirl.wordpress.com)