These things I was feeling when the “summer lover” had ended it with me, I had only felt one other time before in my life. This feeling of abandonment and hurt, loneliness ever so thick, and a crushed heart. Yea I remember these feelings and I’ve tried so long to run from them but I knew I had to face it. The day was February 9th, 1988, I was just 11 years old and I heard the words that would forever crush me. “Scott,your father is no longer with us”. (forgive me if my words get a little mixed up, I still get teary eyed talking about it, but it a good way now.) When I heard those words I hunched over daddy’s bed and told him I loved him one last time. These things I was feeling at such a young age was way more than I could bear and I buried them deep never to come out again. My father was my rock when I was a child. He had this sense of humor that would make the angriest person break into shear laughter. He was a big man, but very kind and loving and every morning I would climb into his lap and he, would feed me breakfast. Not that I didn’t no how to feed my self, but he enjoyed it and almost insisted.
So for an 11 year old, seeing my father go through what he did in his last days, then taking his last breath, was a crushing blow to say the least. These feelings were the exact same when she broke up with me and I didn’t like it one bit. For I had been brought back to a place in time that I had ran from for years. For a few days or so I kind of made it seem like everything was OK and I would move on. I talked to my sponsor about it briefly and just carried on like nothing ever happened not paying any attention to how I really felt. I was hurt, and I just wanted it to go away. the longer I avoided it, the more it persisted and tormented me almost to the point of a nervous breakdown. I cried out to God for healing but He seemed so distant at the time. I just wanted to crawl into his lap and hide.
I remember growing up after my father past away that I would make several trips to the cemetery to visit him and for a moment everything was right again. When I would visit him there in his resting place, I felt just like I did as a child when I would sit in his lap and have breakfast. That feeling of everything’s OK and a peace I could never understand. So I knew were I had to go but I was fearful. My life had been a waste to that point and I was sure that even the man in the casket was pretty disappointed in my actions. I put it off for several days until I couldn’t stand the pain any longer and I made the trip to see him.
One thing I wanted to do in my life was to make my father proud of me, but sitting in the drunk tank on the weekends was something I’m sure he wasn’t very found of. I arrived at his place of rest and made the walk slowly. It was a warm mid-august day with a slight wind. As I made my way to the grave these feelings I had blocked for many years were starting to rise. The closer I got, the more they came and when I finally reached my loving dads grave, I was well into tears and a loss for words. I broke down right then and there spilling everything to him as if he was sitting in his chair at home. I told him everything and every feeling of bitterness and abandonment came to a head. When I was done saying what I had to say, I sat there holding the swan that we keep flowers in. I stood up said a prayer and knew right then and there the healing process had finally begun. As I stood their in complete relief the wind picked up and clouds started to roll in but I couldn’t move. The wind got stronger then I heard the words I had been longing for my whole life that made me sing for joy. “Scott, I’m proud of you, and I love you, now go and be the man that I want you to be.” I had this peace that goes beyond all understanding and I knew I had my fathers blessing.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Jesus is he has a way of healing us of longtime suffering in some of the most unusual ways. He started the healing process that day and it didn’t take long to realize I was free! Please, if your reading this right now, and have some buried hurts and pains, cry out to Jesus, He will answer.
So, I finally confronted the thing that had been haunting me for years and how amazing it was. Check back next time to hear about a celebration that had me scared. Thanks for reading!! Be Blessed!
Whoever conceals there sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.-Proverbs 28:13